Yesterday, I saw an article from a woman who finds motherhood to be lonely.  Since the title resonated with me, I decided give it a browse. Most of the commenters agreed that making mommy friends was hard. A lot of people named “mommy wars” as their reason for staying away from other moms.  One commenter’s response stood out to me in particular. He asserted it was hard making friends in general as an adult, not just a mommy.

To be clear, I agree motherhood can at times feel lonely. It's not because I don’t have friends, but because they’re not my main focus; my family is. If I’m not careful though, I can get consumed in that role of being mom and wife and forget to reach out to friends. That’s when loneliness hits. Thankfully, the solution to that problem is within my control.

As I thought on the issue of making adult friends, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own journey to solid friendships.

It’s been almost ten years since I was a young college graduate. I was rooted out of the church and circle of friends I’d known for over a decade to join my new fiancée in his world. His world, of course, looked perfect from the outside, but once I went beyond the surface things got real.

I wouldn’t say I was immediately welcomed with open arms. In fact, I struggled a lot to get people to step out of their comfort zone and meet me where I was. My phone didn’t ring for months. We weren’t just not invited to things, I believe we were intentionally excluded. I didn’t have a true friend, not even one.

One day, I decided to share my vulnerable heart with the one girl whom I felt closest to since our lives crossed on several occasions. Her cold response left me stunned and ready to pack my bags, “Are you sure this is where you’re supposed to be?” Oh how that stung! My translation of that question was: Maybe you’re struggling with friendships because you don’t belong here. You don’t fit in.

The most valuable lesson I’ve learned about friendships these past ten years is to not give up. Sure, you ought to learn from your experiences and guard yourself, but don’t just write people off.  Some of my closest friends are people who have hurt me deeply in the past. Please understand that I'm not talking about toxic relationships with evil people. I believe you should run as fast as you can from those. I'm referring to regular friendships with average people like me and you.

When I think of all the horrible things I’ve said and done in the past, I crumble in humble gratitude, first because God has forgiven me, and second because my friends didn’t write me off. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. In a culture where we are called to destroy people whose wrongdoings are exposed, God has taught me to be merciful. He reminds me that I too am a sinner. Yes, people have lied about me, but I have also judged people. People have betrayed me, but I have also been mean. People have excluded me, but I have also left people out.

Today, I’m not who I was ten years ago, neither are any of my friends. We have grown, changed, and learned. We are still growing, changing, and learning. When an offense comes flying, we move out of the way. We choose to think the best of each other and interpret each other’s actions based on the belief that we love one another and would not intentionally cause pain. Our gatherings are filled with joy and peace. They are absolutely pleasant and drama-free. I’m sure things are said and done that don’t sit well with everyone, but we overlook them just as Proverbs 19:11 teaches. 

I leave you with these three questions for self-reflection:
1. What rules my friendships: mercy or justice?
2. Have I been holding on to an offense?
3. How have I benefited from not writing off my friends?

What is Self-Reflection?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as careful thought about your own behavior and beliefs.

Google calls it meditation or serious thought about one’s character, actions or motives.

The Bible refers to it as examining your heart.

Regardless of your preferred definition, self-reflection is the first step toward sparking passion. It is the vehicle by which you determine your values.

When I was in grad school, one of the assignments I had to turn in at the end of each semester was a metacognitive letter. Metacognition is simply thinking about the way you think or being aware of your own thought processes. At first it made my brain hurt, but as time went on, I became a huge fan of the practice.

As an aspiring teacher I was expected to look back over the previous weeks and write an essay justifying my philosophy of education. I needed to take an honest look at each lesson and ask myself: Did I achieve my objectives? What worked well? What did not work well? What would I do differently if I were to do this lesson again?

The goal of these exercises was simple: learn from your experiences.

I waved goodbye to my college days almost 10 years ago, but I reflect more regularly today than I did back then.

Self-Reflection is asking yourself the tough questions. Probably questions other people wish they had the nerve to ask you.

Habitually examining your motives and actions maintains honesty of the heart. You grow as an individual when you can objectively look at where you have come from and then set honorable goals for the future based on what you truly value.

To effectively reflect, you need three things: brutal honesty, thick skin, and serious guts.

How to Self-Reflect:

• Step back and look at your life. Try to remove your own opinion from the equation and be as objective as possible. This is the hardest part because we tend to think our way is right. When we stop and think for long enough, though, we can break away from the cycle of doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

• Evaluate recent results. Recall the latest developments in your life to evaluate whether or not you are satisfied with the outcomes. This assessment goes deeper than whether the things you are involved in are right or wrong. It’s about truly feeling fulfilled versus simply settling. Are the things happening in your life things you have reluctantly chosen to accept or are they what you truly desire? 
  

• Ask lots of questions. If I had a week left to live, what would I spend my time doing? With whom? Why? What do I want to be remembered for? Why is that important to me? Will the current path I’m on help me attain that legacy? Am I satisfied with where I am in life? What behaviors have gotten me here? What behaviors do I need to change? What makes me feel alive? What drives me? Where does my joy come from? Is my attitude dependent on my circumstances or is it determined my character? Whose company do I enjoy? Why? Whose influence makes me a better person? Which relationships are toxic for me? How do I impact the lives of those around me?
  

• Metacognition. Determine why you think the way you think. Search your memory for past experiences that have pushed you to certain beliefs about yourself and about the world.  Sometimes we act on beliefs we hold from long ago without realizing we no longer agree with those views. Metacognition helps you wake up if you‘ve been lulled to sleep by the “that’s just the way it’s always been” mentality. It forces you to challenge, and in a way refine, your attitude.
  

• Take control/ownership. This is my personal favorite because it’s where you get your power back. Here is where you resolve to be true to your beliefs. After pondering on the status and direction of your life, you will come to a place where you are ready to embrace change. You can spend a lifetime complaining about how you’ve been wronged and how others should change to make life fair for you (I call that giving away your power) OR you can stop waiting around and do something for yourself. 
  

Let’s be clear that self-reflection is a strategy for refining values; it is NOT condemnation or negativity. Your tone should be constructive, not critical. We all make mistakes. We all walk through difficult situations that deeply affect us. Things happen to us beyond our control. 

By examining your heart you get to choose what you’re going to leave behind and what you want to pursue. Those are things no one else can decide for you. The clarity that comes from this process is what some people refer to as “finding yourself.” We are bombarded by the opinions and expectations of others on a daily basis. If we aren’t confident in our identity, we’ll find ourselves buried under pressure, continually grasping for something with no satisfaction.

The next post in this series will be about defining values. I will challenge you to come up with your own list of values through self-reflection and I will share my own process. Then we’ll figure out how to get our beliefs to be evident through our behavior.

One of the reasons I waited for so long to launch this blog is that I didn’t want it to be a place where I air my opinion but rather a forum for me to share the lessons I’m learning from my experiences. My goal is not to teach you something, as I consider myself to be walking alongside of you on this journey, but to offer a new perspective and a different point of view for reflection. 

Shortly after experiencing the defining moment I shared in my previous post, my mind was flooded with questions. Is this my way of avoiding pressure and staying comfortable? Can I really fulfill my purpose in life by simply being faithful to my daily duties? How will I ever break out of this rut if I just continue doing what I’m doing? Is this all there is for me? The list of questions goes on and on.

After much reflection, it became clear to me that the path to amazing is traveled one seemingly average step at a time. I cautiously added the word “seemingly“ to that statement because I’ve learned to appreciate the value in the small things. I’m anxious to share those lessons with you because it has been incredibly freeing. For today, I’m sharing the answer I received to the question How does average become amazing?“

Here are 5 ordinary qualities that yield amazing outcomes when carried out with extraordinary passion. As you read these, remember that love must be intertwined in all five for them to be truly effective.

1. Humility – learning to admit and accept our limitations, being at peace with our shortcomings and launching ourselves into action in spite of our imperfections. Humility is not thinking less of ourselves but thinking of ourselves less. Obsessing about what’s wrong with us is just as bad as thinking we’re better than others. In both cases, the focus of our thoughts is “I.” Being humble gets us out of our own way and positions us to have an impact.

2. Community – We can’t do it all on our own; we need others. At the same time, we should feel a sense of responsibility to others. There are people who need what we have to offer and it is unfair for us to withhold that from them. Being in community with others opens doors to individual relationships. No better way to make a difference in the world than one person at a time.

3. Faith – I believe you and I have a purpose greater than our own gain and as such, nothing can stop us without our consent. The day I launched this blog, I was scared half to death, but I’m convinced this blog is more than just something I’m doing as a creative outlet to escape my life. Whether we blog, work a full-time job, take care of kids, or design home décor, what we do is more than an interest or a hobby; it’s a calling. 

4. Integrity – Maintaining a higher calling at the core of our vision preserves integrity. Becoming rich and famous isn’t a worthy goal, providing a valuable service that we genuinely believe in fuels passion. Integrity requires us to value what really matters to us. It keeps us on track in our objective to preserve our soul. 

5. Gratitude – intertwined with humility and honor, gratitude is recognizing the blessing that out of anyone in the world who could be doing what we do, we have been given the opportunity to do it. We cannot take that blessing lightly. In turn, we give it all we’ve got and use our means to pay it forward.

To reach the end our lives with humility, community, faith, integrity and gratitude is true success. That is the kind of legacy I want to have. That is why I can be content with simply being obedient in my current roles. That is why I can cook, do laundry, change diapers, and write blog posts with passion. 

According to our society, my life may seem boring and average, but I enjoy a kind of love and peace society would envy. And just think- God is not finished with me yet! I still have hopes and dreams for the future, but I’m making a difference in the lives of my children, my friends, my family, and even strangers along the way. 

My mom used to quote a verse to me growing up: 

That verse summarizes this entire post. It doesn’t say when you finally reach your dream give it your all. It encourages us to do everything with passion, even the little things. That is the key to achieving greatness.

This print is my gift to you as a thank you for taking this first step with me and being part of the beginning of my blog. Stay tuned for another useful freebie coming this weekend!

When I was in college, I had a hilarious little coffee-table book in my apartment called 511 Things Only Women Understand by Lorraine Bodger. In it were quotes like, "How you can have a closet stuffed to the walls and still not have anything to wear," and, "Buying that perfect shirt in 5 different colors," and my personal favorite, "That spending $50 on a sweater marked down from $150 means you have an extra $100 in your checking account."  Then, I got to thing #249 which read: 

"That juggling a job, home, children, 
family finances, and social life 
does not make you Wonder Woman. 
It makes you Average Woman." 


Suddenly, the book wasn't so funny anymore. The quote stood out to me and I always remembered it. 

Roll film to a few years later. I was then married, sitting in one of my Pastor's office, overwhelmed by my responsibilities and crying about all the things I had to do. In her sweetest southern voice, this precious woman whom I deeply admire, exclaimed, "Honey, don't be upset because you have to do all those things! I am amazed you CAN do all those things. Be grateful you are able to. Didn't God make women awesome? We can wear so many different hats and do so many things gracefully. It's really amazing!" My young, self-centered mind was blown away. I'd never thought of it that way, but from that day, I never thought of it any other way.

It was as if in that moment, I was re-introduced to myself. Hello, I am average Debra Walters, and I was created to be amazing! It was a defining moment.

I'm convinced there were two reasons why I'd lost sight of my worth:
1. I was intimidated by the other amazing women around me. Surely, they all had their act together. As a  wise man once said, "Comparison breeds condemnation." The more I compared myself to others, the more discouraged and overwhelmed I felt.

2. My 'amazing' was buried under a mountain of mundane. I took my God-given talents and creativity for granted because I didn't feel like I was doing anything special. I had become so familiar with my daily tasks that I lost my passion.  

A few years later, inspired by the lessons God had been teaching me as He revealed himself in my weakness, I went back to Pastor Cheryl's office. I shared with her my vision to write a blog to inspire and encourage women to re-ignite their passion. When I shared my first quote with her, she jumped out of her chair. "The power to be amazing, lies in an individual's resolve to do ordinary things with extraordinary passion." She put her hand over her mouth and asked me to repeat the quote to her. Then, she repeated it back to me. She loved it! She charged me with writing down my ideas and with publishing them at the right time. That happened more than five years ago.

Over the past five years, I've been living life. Cooking meals, wiping noses, changing diapers, meeting friends for coffee, cleaning toilets, folding laundry, skipping showers, serving my parents, running errands, styling parties, managing an etsy store...you get the picture. I haven't taken over the world, haven't been on tv, nor written a book, nor made $100,000 (nope, not even in 5 years combined). I, however, feel more amazing now than I ever have in my life. What have I accomplished in the last five years? My kids think I'm an amazing mom. (I have written proof!) My husband thinks I'm an amazing partner and cook. My parents think I'm an amazing daughter. When I stopped trying to be amazing and just surrendered my average-ness to God, he took my mundane and turned it into a marvelous testimony for his glory. 

If I've learned anything over these past years, it's to just continue being faithful in my post. I've been blown away at the magnitude and the reach of my testimony even while feeling like I'm doing "nothing." It's proof I don't need to try and do something for God, He wants to do something through me. All I have to do is let him.

The quote from my coffee-table book stood out to me because, as a college girl, the woman described in the quote certainly sounded like Wonder Woman. The first time I read it, I must admit, it knocked the hope out of positive little me. In reality, if all women can do those things, what it means is that we are all wired to be wonderful no matter how differently it looks. Place a hidden camera near any woman who hasn't given up on herself and what you'll find is someone amazing, whether she's running her own company or managing the home front.

It may be quite an undertaking to convince women who feel average to believe they are amazing,
but that is exactly what I intend to do in this blog. You see, I believe being amazing has nothing to do with measuring our performances one against the other, nor with measuring our achievements against our expectations, it has to do with our passion. When we believe we are average, we behave average. When we realize there is amazing potential in what we call average, we become passionate. 

Passion is what empowers us to be amazing. 

Welcome to my blog!